hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
