Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
