i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize