One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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