I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
