If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
