Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
