know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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