I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
