Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
