someone threw a dead crab at me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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