my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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