I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize