you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
