he thought i was a dude.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
