I cannot find my penis.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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