Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
