Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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