I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
