i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
