if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize