My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
