You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize