Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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