I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
