you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
