The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
