i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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