u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize