either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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