Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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