I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
