Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
