my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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