Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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