Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
