My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
