Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize