No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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