Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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