In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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