We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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