I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
