I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
