Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
