Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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