I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
