i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
