Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
