My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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