another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
