Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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