i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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