I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
