Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He passed out mid-signature
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
