Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
