His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
