I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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