i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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