This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize