I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
