They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
